*sings* all my friends are having babies!!

This is SUCH a good thing... and I'm so so so happy for them... but I always end up feeling down too... like why am I not getting there...

It's been 5 months... 5 loooong months... and I don't feel like I've gotten anywhere at all.

I don't think we're BDing at the right time... hell I don't think we're BDing enough at all!! to make a baby or to just satisfy each others cravings...

Other things always seem to be more important... and one of us or both of us are always grumpy... and that puts a downer on everything anyway. Or he's always tired...

I just keep slowly losing my positive attitude and getting confused and feeling lost and hating every single feeling that I'm having!

We need to relax... we need to get back to being just us again... with no stresses of working on friends cars... or doing some crap for something or other...
I want our relationship back to normal...

I want a baby so much... it seriously physically hurts... and I know it's only been 5 months... and with all the stuff I mentioned up there it's not like we've been doing every single thing possible to get pregnant for all of those months... It's just driving me insane...

And whenever I think that things are coming good, that we're in for a chance, or that something is going right it all just falls apart again...I'm so emotional... so up and down, so just... lost. Almost always feeling like i could just fall in a heap and cry...

I know I'm doing this to myself too though... stressing, worrying, hoping and jumping to conclusions every month...

But it's something that I ache for... that I need and it sucks not being able to get it!

Guess that's my vent for today.

On to Cycle 5

Well my hope was short-lived when i wrote my last post.

That very afternoon the dreaded AF turned up. I half hoped and prayed that it was implantation bleeding... I even still tested when I was going to on the 9th... and I so so prayed that it was going to be two lines... But alas, it was not to be!

I had major tears when I saw the blood... as I was talking to my cyber buddy... was so hard to hide it while at work but I couldn't help it.

I felt almost numb... I had been so positive... and so sure that it was the right month for me... that it was going to happen and Steve would get a late Fathers Day present... I think I even half got his hopes up when I'd mentioned that I may have been 'late'

When I told him I was having cramps all I got was sad faces...

I know he wants this as much as I do but I also don;t wanna push him and tell him every detail while i'm testing with the OPK's and stuff.

I've started them again... as of yesterday... but I'm not using the internet cheapies I bought... they soo didn;t work for me. So I'm using the Forelife mid stream ones... and hopefully since they worked last cycle they shall work again... They're just a bit expensive... but I don't care... I need to know when I'm ovulating... I need to try and get Steve to BD a little more... give us more hope this month... more chance this month rather...

So yes... on to cycle 5... somewhere I hadn;t thought... and didn't want to think I would get to. I haven;t let the thoughts and ideas of the knowledge of how long it took my mum to fall to really sink in... I have thought about it... and I have silently hoped and prayed that it will NOT take me almost 2 years to fall for my baby... to be able to follow the dream I am aching for.

I am half hoping... thinking that... since this month... was the month we were sort of planning on originally trying for a bub... that maybe life has made me wait until now for it.

After all it IS our one year wedding anniversary the end of this month... and we're going away... perhaps i'm destined to ovulate then... that my bubba was waiting for the perfect occassion to come to me and snuggle deeply.

Ah more hopes and dreams I guess.

I'm still charting everything... hopefully it lets me know that yes my LP is regular at 12 days... which should be fine for a bub to snuggle in and implant... It's ALOT easier going into this cycle knowing that i 'should' know when AF is due...

So yes... time to cross your fingers and toes... (but not the legs or course :P) and hope that this cycle is THE cycle I've been hoping for.

Sheesh!!

It's already been almost a month since my last post!

I'm hopeless I know!

Well the OPK's turned up... and I was seriously beginning to think they didn't work for me!

I started using them from day 10 of my cycle, which was when I got them, and no positives! A friend of mine was using the same tests and they didn't seem to be working for her either.

So we both bought Forelife instream OPK's and BOTH got positives... so note to all you ladies out there... some OPK's do not work for women at all... others are just crap! I still have a bunch... and if I'm not UTD this cycle will still probably use them... I got a darkish line not long before I tested with the other and got my positive so may still help!

Anyways... I DID end up ovulating... way way way along on Cycle Day 27!! I was shocked! that is soo late! So of course I started wondering whether that would mean a short LP (luteal Phase) since my last cycle had been 29 days!!

But seems not... am now on Cycle Day 39!! My longest cycle since coming off the Pill... and I don't even remember any of my cycles before that being this long either... so my LP so far is 12 days... AF should be due between now and Friday...

Cervix still seems high... but temp dropped, so am doing some research as to what that means exactly... (not that much of it ever makes sense... will update when I have info.)

But fingers crossed AF doesn't turn up and i finally have that bubba in my belly I've been dreaming of.

oh yeah and I should add... (I'm always forgetful) i tested on Sunday... it was Fathers Day... so I was kind of hoping that I might be able to give Steve the best present ever! Unfortunately was a BFN... but then at only 10DPO it was almost gauranteed anyways!

I'm testing again tomorrow... 13DPO... am hoping I get the lines I want... if i don't... then I'll wait until after AF is 'supposedly' due... which is roughly Friday I think...

so we'll see!!