Well I'm plodding along...

still having ups and downs... seems that's the way this will be until I finally find that positive home pregnancy test one morning.

Steve and I went away to his home town for his 10 year school reunion... we got talking about stress and my work and stuff... and it was good... it actually opened up the gates on TTC and the ins and outs... of what happens as well as what kind of timing you have to catch that egg. that was really good.. since Steve didn't know.

so I've bought some OPK's... they turned up late but they got here... however... either i am having another looong cycle... and I haven't O'd yet... or they don't work for me.

I'm charting everything this month! Temp, cervical mucous AND OPK's... and still nothing...

Fertility Friend ( http://www.fertilityfriend.com/ ) says that according to my temps... i O'd on the 11th cervical mucous could possibly agree with that... however... *sighs* I added todays temp in only to have FF change my O date to the 14th... and i don't even know if THAT is right either...

I absolutely love hearing that my friends have gotten pregnant... that i can share in their joy so very much... that they're happy and shocked and everything all at once... I congratulate them all and look forward to watchign and hearing about everything...

just wish I was going through it too.

I just wonder... and worry... as I always do. If there's something wrong... if there's a reason WHY the OPK's aren't working... but I'm trying to keep that to the back of my mind... if I worry of that possibility I'll stress and if I stress... I won't be able to fall even if i can.

So I'm trying to stay positive... look forward... BD as much as we can in hopes that IF i AM Oing... we catch that eggie really soon!

Well another month and another cycle down.

My dear annoying and painful excuse for Aunt Flow turned up again on Saturday. Sort of started Friday night but got worse Saturday...

So CD1 again for me then.

This is cycle number 4... somewhere I was so hoping so much I would never get to. I had this big dream in my head that no matter what... the 10 years on the pill... everything... nothing was going to stop me from having the baby of my dreams in my belly as soon as it could be.

I had thought three months max... and I'd be pregnant... I suppose a lot of other women think the same thing and they end up like me... or even worse... I feel so much for the long term TTCers... I can't imagine how they would feel each month... after month with no luck...

Sheesh... these 3 are enough for me.

So... three months... three totally different cycle lengths (35, 32, 29) and NO idea what is going.

Steve wanted to go with the flow... see what happens when it happens... but typical me is getting the thoughts of.... 'what if something is wrong' running through my head.

I look at mum, who took 2 years to fall for me and another two for my brother... and wonder sometimes... is that going to be me too! And that I think in part... is why I keep falling down when i don't get that BFP or even late Aunt Flow. (she's always coming early)

I'm toying with the idea of temping... of checking my cervical mucus... and of maybe even looking into some OPK's (ovulation prediction kits) for a month at least... just to make sure i AM actually ovulating... and roughly when in my cycle I'm doing so.

I think that will be the only way I can set my mind at ease a little... that I can calm myself down and relax a little bit. I believe July was THE month... and believing as much as I did I think is what made me hit this rock in the road even harder.

I honestly don't believe there is anything wrong with Steve or me... but think I'd like to rule it out and know early... besides... knowing me, I'd be one of the ladies who ovulate way off the 'normal' point of ovulation.

I think if I do chart for a month... it will help me to level my head out... to understand more of what's going on since my body isn't telling me by itself... so I think that's what I'll have to do.

I hate... absolutely HATE feeling down because it hasn't happened yet... so I think it's time to do some checking... some following... and hope that this months cycle is the same as last months... or even better that dear Aunt Flow doesn't come at all and there's some good news!!

One can always hope... I just need to learn not to hope too much! The more I want something the harder I fall when I don't get it... and this is the worst so far in my life...

I hope my luck turns around soon and I can celebrate with Steve... the joy of us finally getting our dream of being mummy and daddy.